Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
