Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
