Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
