I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
