just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
