Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
