You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
