I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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