saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
