Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
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