At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
