If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
