All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Oh and itβs been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! ππππ¬π³π
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