I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
