Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
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