can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
