You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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