the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
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