I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Randomize
