i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
