guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
