I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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