I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
