If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
