I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
