someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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