Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
