The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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