nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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