Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
