Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
