come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
