dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
