Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
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