Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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