I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
