How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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