Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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