Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize