How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize