Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
