come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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