I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
