By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize