Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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