I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
