Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
