Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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