Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
