mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
it hurts more in the daytime
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
