I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
