I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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