finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
