I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
