Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
