someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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