i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
