the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
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