Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
