just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
