eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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