What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
